Conversations with God

Pastor Kathy preached on Psalm 34 Saturday; in fact, she wrote her own blog about it this week. She talked a lot that night about God's goodness, and how he delivers you from fear and shame. It was a pivotal night for me. Earlier that day, I’d been crying out in desperation to the Lord. Several people in my life have died in the past 2 years, including my father, my grandmother, and a friend of almost 20 years. A week ago, I found out another close friend is battling a life-threatening disease. Although I was fighting for her in prayer and speaking life, I was having a faith crisis. It wasn’t that I didn’t have faith, but every time I prayed, all I saw were the faces of those who have died. Lying voices of guilt and responsibility had me completely twisted up inside. I was overwhelmed. Pastor Kathy spent time on verse 8, which says, “Taste and see that the LORD is good.” I was struck with the realization that it felt like all I’d been “eating” for months was death—I desper...

I began writing a blog this morning, and was getting frustrated as I felt it getting drier and drier. Finally, I felt God ask, “Are you ready to get real?” I began thinking about what was really going on with me—and began to write. The worship conference we are having this week at World Revival Church began Wednesday. I was taken by surprise that evening when God began dealing with me while a speaker shared about what being a child of God is supposed to look like. I began to cry—actually deep, heart-wrenching sobs as God began revealing feelings of grief, abandonment, and isolation. Yet even as I cried, I could feel myself holding back; I wasn’t willing to let God work as deeply in me as he wanted to. I remember the analogy I heard from a teacher at World Revival School of Ministry : when something is wrong with us physically, we can go to a surgeon who will cut us open, put his hands inside of us, cut things out, and sew up the broken pieces. Yet, so often we back away in ...

As God swept into World Revival Church last weekend in an upsurge of revival (read more about that here ), I had a “calendar moment,” a turning point after which I’ll never be the same. I’ve had others when God has come down in a mighty way to break off bondages and destructive things from my life, but this was different; God just asked me a question. To give a little background: six years ago, I didn’t really have a life worth living. Mental illness had begun devouring my life at the age of 16. I no stability or continuity; I existed day to day, relentlessly knocked around by countless psychological tormentors. My world centered on myself and my instability. I lived alone, and would go for days without seeing or speaking to anyone. At the same time, I was consumed by self-destruction to the point that I am still amazed at my survival. Then God came down and gloriously transformed my life; practically overnight, he reformed my mind. A couple of years later I moved to Kansas Ci...

So I got hired as an early childhood special education teacher this summer. It’s what I’ve been working for since I started grad school in 2008, it’s what I did my student teaching in, it’s what I’ve been wanting since I was in grade school—it was perfect. The setup of my school is amazing: I team teach with a regular early childhood teacher in the classroom, I have a mentor teacher to help me with special ed. stuff, the rest of the staff is very supportive.   I went in feeling pretty good about it all. I had 1 ½ weeks of training and various beginning-of-the-year stuff to do before the kids came. I quickly realized how much I didn’t know about being a teacher in the public school system. There is a lot of paperwork—data collection and reporting, records keeping, detailed lesson planning in line with state standards, etc., etc. Then the kids came J About ¼ of them have little or no English, and I have virtually no Spanish. I have 2 kids I have to do assessments on and write up ...

“What sorrow for those who drag their sins behind them with ropes made of lies, who drag wickedness behind them like a cart!” Isaiah 5:18, NLT. This verse painted quite a picture in my head. I’ll start by saying the prophet here is talking to a group of people who “never think about the Lord or notice what he is doing” (v. 12). So what I’m saying isn’t what Isaiah was saying—but I think it can work for us. I thought about this verse in connection with Hebrews 12:1b—“Let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us.” Most of the people reading this are trying to run the race, seeking God with all they have, wanting to please God. Yet how many know it’s hard to run when you’re dragging something behind you? And the picture I got was of someone trying to move forward while dragging their past behind them—all their old sins, all their mistakes, all their failures.   And the lie ...

I was thinking today about restoration. We talk about God's restoration, and think about the years, the children, the money, or the health we want restored. And that’s right and that’s good. But then I began thinking about the other things we lose that aren’t as obvious or as tangible. Jesus was the innocent lamb. We are told we must enter the Kingdom as a little child—a picture of innocence. Yet so early, that innocence begins getting twisted. The humanism that is running rampant in our society perverts even the concept of love—that love is getting what you want when you want it. Our picture of service is one of humiliation and degradation. Sacrifice is a bad word, and giving is some kind of exceptional gifting for just a few. So when we come to God, we are on an entirely different page than he is. We don’t understand Jesus' life, or how and why he lived as he did. And when we talk to him about restoring what we have lost and he begins to deal with our ideas of these basic co...

In 1Chronicles 13, King David wants to bring back the Ark of God—the place where God said he would meet and talk with his priests.   Everyone agrees that’s a wonderful idea, and soon there’s a celebratory procession of singers and instrumentalists leading the Ark home. It’s a joyous occasion—until the Ark starts to fall, Uzzah tries to steady it, and dies for touching it. David gets afraid, refuses to bring the Ark back to his city, and leaves it in another man’s (Obed-edom) house. I’ve heard people talk about this passage before, and most of them focused on the fact that the man who ended up with the Ark gets blessed. That’s a good point, but I think there’s more to this. In Exodus, God lays out the plan for the tabernacle, including the plans and rules for the Ark. It was to be fitted with 2 carrying poles that were never removed, to enable it to be carried on the shoulders of the priests. As I read this passage, I imagined a conversation between David and his officials after the...

Look at us, we’re so pretty; Pull our strings and we’ll sing You a ditty. Lift our arms and they’ll raise so tall. Paint smiles on our faces; oh, we’re having a ball! Bend our knees and we’ll jump for You Then straighten our backs and we’ll sit in the pew. Oh, wait, it’s a slow song—bend them again so we can kneel. Hey, wait a minute—where’s the button that will make us feel? I don’t want to go through the motions I don’t want to pretend to be real I don’t want tears painted on my face Only looking as though I can feel. I am going to melt like wax in Your presence I will let my heart explode I will allow holy fear to overwhelm me And watch Your love unfold. The world’s seen enough plastic people, Barren hearts living under an empty steeple. Everything they see fills them with disgust; If there’s no one else, God, then let them see us. We’ll bend easily under Your wind Our response to You will never be pretend. We’ll let our lives be consumed by desire And our eyes will burn with ...

The countdown has begun Three, two, one . . . BOOM! Live around the globe, It’s the largest revival congregation in the world.                                         Can you feel it?                                                 Can you hear it? Praise is echoing forth    Street to street                 Town to town      Country to country Blanketing the earth in worship. We hold Your Presence in our hands and PUSH As hearts are linking around the world, Tho...

Recently I was reading in 2 Kings.   Anyone who’s read it probably remembers how many “bad” kings there were in Judah and Israel at this time—ones who “do evil in the eyes of the Lord and don’t turn away from the sins of their fathers,” generally leading to the nation being overrun by their enemies. So chapters 12-15 were a little refreshing, with King Joash of Judah repairing the temple and “doing what’s right in the eyes of the Lord,” followed by his son Amaziah.     The line of righteousness continued with their descendants King Azariah and his son Jotham.     Then I got to chapter 16:   “Ahaz son of Jotham king of Judah began to reign. . . . Unlike David his father [ancestor], he did not do what was right in the eyes of the Lord his God.   He walked in the ways of the kings of Israel and even sacrificed his son in the fire” (vv 1-3). What?!   How did a man coming from 4 generations of reformers end up so degenerate as to sacrifice his son to a...

We ask the Lord to Let it Rain Open the Heavens, Father, Let it Pour Down Without realizing He’s already sent the rain He’s pouring out now But our jars are broken The clay is cracked And what we collect runs out While we’re trying to drink it We want to take it to others But it’s spilling to the ground As we try to pass it on So the little we have is lost Before our neighbor can catch it And now we’re all dying of thirst While the rain pours down around us We need new wineskins To hold what’s already been given So we let it fill us up And make us new As we offer it to others So now they're receiving the overflow The top, not the bottom, The best, not the dregs Mixed with the residue of our lack

This has been such an amazing Father’s Day.   A mini background –1 ½ years ago, shortly after I moved to Kansas City to be a part of World Revival Church, my father was diagnosed with cancer, had major surgery, and passed away.   It all happened in the space of a month, and I don’t remember many of the details. One thing that does stand out is sitting in the spare bedroom of my parents’ house a day or two after the funeral.   I wanted God.   I needed God.   Desperately.   But I felt like there was a thick, unbreachable wall between me and Him.   I hurt so badly it was terrifying to feel anything, and I was utterly unable to get into his presence. Fast forward a few weeks, and I was back in KC.   Although the pain was still terrible at times, there was no escaping God's presence during services.   It was the only time I felt safe enough to break down and feel, because he was so close and so strong. But it was more than God being there for me. ...

I lived in a box Fear hedging me in on every side How terrifying it was To look beyond myself And see the world You lifted me out And I took baby steps forward Away from my comfortable cage But not so far I couldn’t look back And see my old prison Eventually You nudged me further And I began inching my way along I was on a tightrope Bottom too far to see And lions all around My eyes stayed glued to my feet Then one day I looked up And realized I was in a broad place I was standing on solid ground The tightrope was gone My tormentors were nowhere in sight And I was free

In Mt 7:17-20, Jesus warns his listeners to beware of false prophets, calling them wolves in sheep’s clothing who look harmless but are actually vicious.   It occurred to me the other night that religion is the same way.   From the outside, it looks so wonderful and convenient, like cheap fabric softener:   “Smells great!   Gets rid of static cling!” The box it comes in looks so good and makes lots of guarantees; but when you take it home and try to use it, your clothes look worse than they did before. Religion makes so many promises:   “Jesus wants to be your friend.   Just ask him into your heart, and everything will be all better.”   There’s no talk of who Jesus really is, what he demands of his followers, of what the Bible says.   It’s all about making you feel better and painting Jesus' name on it. So people fall for it and then wonder why their lives don’t change.   That’s when the wolf comes out.   “Didn’t you say my life was goin...

A couple of months ago, J.D. King taught on healing in a way I had never heard.     He talked about not waiting for some mystical feeling to let us know we've been healed, but to act and exercise our faith by moving the injured or affected part of our body.   His sermon revolutionized the way I prayed and believed for healing. Then last night Pastor Kathy preached on names—who do we say that we are, and who does God say we are.   She named names that are spoken or claimed even from childhood:   bozo, autistic, abused, broken, desperate for love.   She proclaimed that His Name is higher than any name we can call ourselves. I responded to the call for prayer; but before anyone came to pray for me, God began speaking.   I was saying, “God, only You have the power to name me; I want Your name for me.”   He stopped me short by reminding me that in the Garden of Eden, He gave Adam the power to name things (Genesis 2:19, 20).   He told me, “It d...

One of the first poems I ever wrote was about lying alone on the edge of a cliff, broken into a million pieces, waiting for someone to come glue the pieces together.   I was a sad, hurting teenager, and didn’t know where to turn.   I was desperate for some person to swoop down and save me. The saddest part was that, as messed up as I was, it never occurred to me that God was the one I could turn to, even though I had been raised in church all my life.   It never even crossed my mind that he could change my situation.   I believed he existed, but he was no more to me than a far-away stranger that I expected to see someday when I died. It took 13 years for me to finally get sick and desperate enough to go looking for God, instead of sitting in my self-pity waiting for him to come to me.   To my astonishment, he was easy to find when I actually tried.   Why had no one told me how this works?   It was so easy; yet none of the countless churches, ...

God came to church today And when he came I couldn’t move I couldn’t speak All I could do was shake At the glory, power, presence, majesty Heaven touched earth And the heavenly beings flowed around his throne The rushing of their wings It was cacophony, it was thunder It was thousands upon thousands Of voices raised at once It was glorious, it was terrifying It was beautiful I could see the sound Golden light vibrating in adoration His holiness pouring out . . . Who did you see at church today?