A Life Worth Giving Away

As God swept into World Revival Church last weekend in an upsurge of revival (read more about that here), I had a “calendar moment,” a turning point after which I’ll never be the same. I’ve had others when God has come down in a mighty way to break off bondages and destructive things from my life, but this was different; God just asked me a question.

To give a little background: six years ago, I didn’t really have a life worth living. Mental illness had begun devouring my life at the age of 16. I no stability or continuity; I existed day to day, relentlessly knocked around by countless psychological tormentors. My world centered on myself and my instability. I lived alone, and would go for days without seeing or speaking to anyone. At the same time, I was consumed by self-destruction to the point that I am still amazed at my survival.

Then God came down and gloriously transformed my life; practically overnight, he reformed my mind. A couple of years later I moved to Kansas City, MO to attend World Revival Church, and he began erasing every trace of those years of torment.  I am awed at the restoration God has done under the ministry of Pastors Steve and Kathy Gray. The memories I have of those decades have no more power over me; there is no pain, no hurt associated with even the most vile incidents.

I look at my life today, and I’m speechless. In his overwhelming mercy and compassion, God has given me a life I wouldn’t even have known how to dream for six years ago.

So the question that changed everything last weekend was this: Now that I have this life, am I willing to give it away?

I was stopped short as I realized I had been clutching it to my chest like a 4-year old with a new birthday gift, not willing to share it with anyone else. As I was forced to think about why God has given me this life, I was reminded of Rev. 2:11: “They did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.”

The Bible—real Christianity—is full of dying, laying down your life, giving yourself away. What God has been doing these past few years is creating a life worth giving away; filling me up so I have something to pour out.

As I wept in both repentance and gratitude and said, “Yes,” once again to my King, I experienced a strange sensation, a lightness and freedom. I realized the burden of my self—of just being concerned with my comfort and my feelings—was finally beginning to lift off.

This week I have been consumed by something new. I ache to pour out my life. I stay very busy, and work takes a lot of my attention at times. But whenever I get even a moment, just a second to catch my breath, suddenly it is taken away again by an all-consuming desire to give this life to others. I am undone with the urgency and fervency burning in me, and I find myself staying up late and waking up early to pray, to pour myself out over and over again. More than that, I am actively looking for chances to pour into others face-to-face. I stay in search of opportunities to talk about how my life has changed, and the church where it has all happened.

The journey that’s taken me from being a tormented girl locked into my own world to a woman confident enough in who God is to share it with others is a continual one. I’m still changing and being changed. Yet when I’m on my face and my own life comes to mind, my heart’s cry is “Less of me, God, that more of you can pour through!” That in itself is proof to me that there is nothing God cannot heal or restore.