Conversations with God

Lazarus. A familiar story. Yet I found something new today. We know Jesus raised him from the dead. It was a powerful work. But was it only about what Jesus did? Before the miracle, Jesus told the people to roll the stone away from the tomb. It seemed nonsensical, but they did it. After Jesus' prayer, He spoke to the people again. This time, they were to remove Lazarus' grave clothes. See, the story isn't just about Jesus and Lazarus. There were other players involved. And I tried to imagine what would have happened if the people hadn't done their part. If Jesus hadn't acted, Lazarus would still be dead. But if his friends hadn't acted, he'd be bound and imprisoned while still alive. So often we put the burden on Jesus to do mighty acts. It's true He can do amazing things, but He doesn't like to work alone. Which leads me to ask, is there someone Jesus is asking me to help today? What about you?

I don't have to be passive anymore. I'm not supposed to be. Not a punishment But freedom. I get to choose I get to choose I GET to choose. Wow. That feels unfamiliar To a life spent in the darkness Waiting for life to happen to it. I have a choice I have the power To choose Wow. I don't have to wait for The next bad thing. I get to choose I have the power To make my own choice Do I know how to do this? What do I want? Can I choose that? Wow. Choice Not punishment Do I know how to do this? Do I want to figure it out? I think I do.

I felt You today And I didn't have to run away You were soft Gentle, yet Bright with power Singing, "I want to be with You where You are" I realized I can be with You Without having to leave You will come to wherever I am But how much more to come to You. And I can feel You Here And I can feel You Here And I can feel You While staying Here And maybe I don't have to leave Anymore. I can feel You here Without having to follow You away Reaching the outer realms of the spirit Whirling weightlessly in the fog When you are willing to dance Right here. And I can feel You Here And I can feel You Here And I can feel You While staying Here And maybe I don't have to leave Anymore. I can feel You and not have to leave Because bad things don't happen where You are I can feel You here and not have to leave Because feeling doesn't have to mean fear And it's safe to stay where You are. And I can feel You Here An...

Rest Slow down Stop Sit Be still Why is this so hard? Well, I know the answer to that. But why is it so hard to unlearn? Ah, but there's the rub, I do know how. I'm simply afraid. Simply afraid - As if fear were simple. What if, what if, what if, what if... Or maybe it is simple. It's courage that's hard. If fear is the problem then courage is the answer. But how do I get it If I can't be quiet enough to receive it? Ah, there's another rub. That's where I need You. Give Me moments Give Me time 5, 10 minutes at the most at a time. Can I do that? I think I can. I hate that it's so hard, But why do I think You don't, too? You didn't do this to me You're the One trying to heal me. So that's one fear I can more easily let go. Deep breath Exhale Do it again Slower this time Do you feel that? That's Me. I'm here Closer than the rest Breathe into Me Press into Me I'm all arou...

We sang a song at church recently with the line, "All we want is You." It sounds good. It sounds right. I think it is. But what does it really mean? This past year has looked nothing like what I expected it to. I expected to be in Africa full-time. I expected to be teaching. I expected to be on the go, racing ahead in this new journey. I entered this year telling God He was my priority, and I wanted whatever He did, expecting His expectations to match mine. Then He told me He wanted something different. "I am the true sprouting vine, and the farmer who tends the vine is my Father. He cares for the branches connected to me by lifting and propping up the fruitless branches and pruning every fruitful branch to yield a greater harvest." If all I want is You, then all I can want is what You want for me, regardless of my expectations. Was I wrong about this year? I believe I was hearing right. But maybe I wasn't ready for what He wanted next...

“Lord, You know everything there is to know about me” What?! Even…??? “You perceive every movement of my heart and soul, and You understand my every thought before it even enters my mind.” Why would You even want to do that? I don’t even want to do that… “You are so intimately aware of me, Lord. You read my heart like and open book, and You know all the words I’m about to speak before I even start a sentence.” So You know everything? And yet You still… “You know every step I will take before the journey even begins. You’ve gone into the future to prepare the way, and in kindness You follow behind me to spare me from the harm of my past.” Oh, wow. That’s deep. You don’t just know the past, but also the future… “This is just too wonderful, deep, and incomprehensible. Your understanding of me brings me wonder and strength.” So, if You understand everything about me, Maybe I don’t have to…? “Where could I go from Your Spirit? ...

What does a breakthrough look like? Breakthrough in the Hebrew is perez or perets, meaning breach or a bursting forth. So a picture might be of a dam. But why does a dam burst? Generally because it's been weakened over time, slowly but surely. Sometimes we pray for breakthrough, imagining a huge explosion of blessing, favor, healing, whatever we're needing. But maybe what we need is the slow, steady inexorable pressure of Living Water cutting away at it every moment of every day - even when we don't see or feel it. I'm reminded of Jericho. "Then the Lord said to Joshua, 'See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands, along with its king and its fighting men. March around the city once with all the armed men. Do this for six days.'" (Joshua 6:2‭-‬3). God said He'd given them the city while it was yet closed up and impenetrable. Kind of like God saying, "I've healed you" while you still have all the symptoms, huh? Or, "I...

What have You taught me most lately? Mercy, for one. Mercy. Not the same as righteousness, Yet necessary to it. Not the same as grace, But another integral ingredient. Not even the same as forgiveness, But the reason for it. Mercy. Maybe it underlies everything You do And have done. Mercy put Adam and Eve in a protected garden, and gave them clothes when they had to leave. Mercy gave the world decades to repent while Noah built a boat, then saved his family when it refused. Mercy rescued Paul after he'd refused to rescue Stephen, and allowed him to spend the rest of his life rescuing others. Mercy. It characterized Moses, Deborah, and Jesus. Meaning it characterizes You. Meaning it should characterize me. You've had so much mercy on me. Now it's my turn to pour it out on others. More than my turn; even more than a responsibility. It's a privilege You've granted me. How could I refuse?

"You lead me beside still waters..." Leads: "Properly to run with a sparkle, To flow." Carry Conduct Usher Me From fear Anxious thoughts Aging terrors Towards Peace Quiet You. It's not A band-aid A panacea A hiding from So much as A running to Because water only flows one direction And it's harder to fight my way upstream Than accept the rest You're offering. And when my arms get tired You already planned for the waters to carry me In the first place. So I relax Stop struggling against the current Because even if the ride gets bumpy You created it ahead of time To lead me to safety Home To You.

Today I am remembering when You told me, "I'm going to crush you with love." I was looking for weighty conviction, a spiritual-feeling burden, hard to carry. What You offered seemed weak in comparison. Little did I know the shattering that would follow. I watched in awe as walls that had been built on decades of harshness melted like wax at a whisper of Your mercy. And, as always, the relentless love You used to capture me was meant for so much more. As I learned what it meant to be seized by love, I became able to take hold of others. As I experienced the softening that comes from a gentle answer, a soft touch, mercy instead of wrath, I began to extend it to those in front of me. I watched as those hardened by abuse or abandonment began to melt under the steady stream of Your love. Joy replaced fear, confidence replaced cowering, friendliness replaced resentment. That which I had feared was weak proved instead to be a more powerful instrument of change than...

You want to write, but I'm not sure what You want to say, Papa. You're learning to feel again. Shedding self-protective layers Like a snake leaving behind its skin. The snakes sheds because that skin got too small And you made yourself too small to hold what I made for you,  So it's time for that to come off. It's not about Me being angry We just go back to the beginning And start again You know what you know You learned it for the season you were in. Learn it but don't become it. You identify so well with others I gave you that gift Guard yourself and use it well Remember who I am and who I've been to you. Put no limits around Me or My ability to heal and restore. I know you  And I know what I'm doing. I want you to dance with Me again. I know you remember. Of course it seems impossible, That's why I want you to do it. I'm not an ordinary god I'm extraordinary And you living that ...

I collapse at Your feet, Melting in a puddle of grace mercy peace. “I’m so tired, Papa. I’ve been running so hard. Did You see me?” “Of course I saw you. You never escape My notice. But what were you doing?” “I was working running trying pushing even when it was hard.” “Uh-huh. And whose strength were you using?” “. . . ” “. . .” “Is that why I’m so tired?” “What do you think? It’s okay to be tired. It’s okay to be busy. But I don’t reward you based on how hard you wear yourself out. I don’t reward you for punishing yourself. I told you to rest. Not for a day or a week or a month. I didn’t give you a time limit. I said your brain and body need to rest . Sprained ankles and broken bones are immobilized. Why? So they can heal. Using them when injured only delays healing and can lead to permanent damage. What do you want?” “I want to be healed.” “Ah. But do you want to heal - It’s a process, n...

Yes, I knew from the beginning that you'd be here. No, not just when you surrendered to Me in 2006; I knew it when I formed you. I planned a safe place for you to come for healing. I'm so glad you found it and said Yes. It's not over. There is more to come, but you have found the rhythm now. No, I haven't given you all the answers you seek, but you're learning to trust Me for real now. No, it isn't all smooth and easy, but you're clinging to Me and making Me your anchor.  No, I'm not angry at you and I'll repeat it as often as you need Me to. This isn't punishment, and no, you haven't failed. You want all the answers, but that's not always really what you need. I.am.HERE. Whether you think you should be here or not, if you think you should be or do or know or what - I. Am. Here. With you. I haven't left, I'm not angry, and I'm not sitting up here comparing you to some idealized version of yourself I was hoping for...