Journey into my Father's Heart (Part 1) . . .

A little over a year ago, God spoke something to me that shook me deeply. He simply said this: “If you don’t let Me love you, you’re not going to make it.”

It was warning and encouragement, even a challenge, wrapped into one simple sentence. I immediately went into crisis.

See, I already loved God. I loved everything I knew about Him, and I wanted to do everything I could to please Him. I loved to worship, I loved to pray, I loved to watch Him working in the people around me.

But that statement was a call to another level of relationship I wasn’t sure I was ready for. I remember crying out, “I love You. Why can’t that be enough!?” I wept for days.

Of course I knew “Jesus loves me.” But I also knew this was so much more than that. He was now looking for a 2-way connection. He wanted open access to the inside of me.

I was not at all comfortable with that idea. The religion I grew up with gave me an image of God that was far away and not that involved in my day-to-day life. A painful experience as a child told me, “You are bad and God wants to punish you.”

After many years, God had led me to a place in Him that moved me past many of the old patterns and beliefs; but now He wanted to take me further, and I wasn’t sure I could do it.

The first thing I had to wrestle through was the idea that He wanted relationship with me. Real relationship, Father to child, Lover to beloved, give and take, intimacy. This was so far from what I knew and believed about God that it took me a solid year of seeking Him to see that door opened.

When I say “seeking Him,” I mean on my face, crying out, weeping, praying, asking, fighting, submitting, crying some more—any chance I got, in church or out. It was a year of new challenges at work and in relationships. It was a year of digging out old hurts, then letting Him come near and breathe on them, setting me free once again. It was a year of saying, “You want to deal with what? [Deep breath] Okay. . .”

In the natural, it could sound horrible, maybe. But it worked! I kept submitting, kept crying out, kept saying, “Yes, okay” when He asked—and a couple of months ago I had an encounter with God that changed everything. I finally was able to experience God as my Father; experience His goodness, His love, His mercy—for me.

Funny thing—I spent all that year not understanding why we had to spend all this time on me. I appreciated the freedom, but I really wanted to see freedom in the people around me. Then suddenly, I had a softness inside that didn’t just allow me to feel His heart for me; I began to feel His heart for them. And He began to teach me how to act from that heart.

His heart is so much bigger than mine; His desire to see people free is greater than mine could ever be. Now, instead of acting out of my limited humanity with its inherent selfishness and frustration, I am learning to act out of His nature. I’m seeing everyone from toddlers to the elderly being touched by His goodness in ways I couldn’t even imagine a year ago.

So is the work done? Have I “arrived?” HA! I feel like the closer I get to Him, the more clutter I see in the way. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get it “right.” But then, in the next breath, the presence of God will rush in and I’ll fall to my knees, weeping again, this time at the literal experience of His goodness, love, and mercy.

This is not a one-time breakthrough event. It’s a daily journey deeper into my Father’s heart. I don’t have a map; I’m finding my way as I go. And as much as I would like to have that map sometimes, I think this is part of the journey. I’m learning to make the Holy Spirit my compass; His Word my bread; His presence my drink.

When I think I’ve hit a roadblock, I end up in a place of refreshing. When I have to take a detour, I find new travelling companions. Sometimes it feels like a messy life, but I’ve been ruined for neat and tidy religion that keeps God in a safe little box.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s a stretch sometimes! I like knowing everything ahead of time, knowing that A leads to B leads to C. This journey is teaching me faith like a textbook never could. And I’m learning God doesn’t think like I do; He can go from C to A to B--or just run straight off the map. My part is to follow where He leads, whether it makes sense to my mind or not.

And because I’m far from expert at hearing and following, I’m still spending just as much time seeking Him. My desperation for Him is greater than it’s ever been. You may hear “desperation” as a negative word, but this is not a desperation born from some agony of inner torment. I’m desperate to see others experience God like I have. I’m desperate for people who’ve grown up in stifling religion to realize there’s relationship to be had for those who seek. And I’m desperate to be nearer to Him, deeper into His heart.

So what do you say? I believe that if you’re reading this, God's inviting you on a new journey. Maybe you feel the same fear I did; everything inside of you is screaming, “No! I could never go there!” But what if you just took the first step and said, “Yes”? Let the journey begin . . .