Celebration

May is an interesting time of year for me. As a teacher, it feels more like the "end of the year" than December does.

As I face only a month more with "my babies," I inevitably find myself looking back: Did I do enough? Did I give them enough love, attention, and time? Are they going to be ok in Kindergarten? What about after that?

I want to hold them in my arms forever. I want to protect them from the ugliness of the world, despite the fact many of them have already met that ugliness face-to-face.

Don't get me wrong - this truly is a time of celebration. Each one is a big miracle in a tiny package: The ones who came in distrustful and angry who now are the biggest huggers, the ones who couldn't or wouldn't talk but now won't stop, the ones who just needed some boundaries and now are thriving within them...

In August, a year feels like forever. We have plenty of time to do it all! May brings me back to reality with a crash. But it also forces me to stop and simply look at the beauty and goodness of God in front of me.

It's worth it. The late nights and early mornings; the tears; the frantic consultations with anyone who knows anything about a syndrome or symptom to find something, anything to help; the endless streams of emails with parents, therapists, case workers, Kindergarten teachers...

I watch children who have learned to play, to interact with each other - even more, to look out for and help each other - and I'm humbled and awed. I know well my limitations - what happens in these kids is purely the goodness of God.

This job is the hardest thing I've ever done. Sometimes I've wondered what God was thinking when He put me here. I know so many teachers better than me - that have more knowledge, better temperaments, and actual organizational skills.

I've learned that's kind of the point, though. Not in the being difficult, per se, but in the fact that I can't do it by myself.

I've found a joy in being dependent on God - literally dependent, not just lip-service. Knowing I can't do it anyway keeps me from limiting my expectations to what I can physically accomplish. And it has opened the door to allow Him to move in ways beyond my imagination.

I've decided to enjoy this month. Yes, I will be sad as I watch them go out the door on the last day. But I also have to smile. I know God has put His hand on each one, and even as I let go, I know He never will...